Thursday, January 17, 2008


It's been a couple of months since that season of rain and that to in the summer.Hell,it's been autumn since then.Dried.Yellow.Mellowed.
A dry,heavy scent in the breeze
Making it hard for one to breathe.

It's autumn since that storm of the summer.The storm that had a dim rainbow in the end.The storm of passionate rain.I am reminded of it constantly.It was a whole new experience.Definitely a different one. Unique in it's unspoken ways.That is the reason why I am so articulately reminded of it.
Personally, I love the rain.I simply love everything about it.The rumbling of thunder through the sky.The merging of full,heavy clouds with each other.The string of raindrops that fall like pearls from Heaven.The sound of their pitter-patter liquid of hope as they gently touch the ground.The feel of that purity on your skin comes along with a sense of freshness and relief.I love the smell of water touching grass.It's like a soft ,lingering smell.completely breathable and pure.I can smell it while I type.

I lived my life in a deserted sandy cove.Sunny and chilly are the only two experiences that I have known.The rain that came after so surprisingly and yet so smoothly still baffles me now.But when I look back now, I am not surprised as to what I did.It was by my own choice of thought.
I welcomed the rain with wide outstretched arms.

Like who wouldn't.Anyone in their sanest of practical minds wouldn't but I was neither.I was like a tiny plant in the midst of a harsh desert with an undiscovered oasis miles away.I was thirsty and I think I wanted to quench that thirst that had accumulated over the years and so I let it soak me and free my spirit of it's dryness.
I still remember clearly the purity of it all when it touched the first layers of skin,soaking me and everything around.I remember the feeling of engulfment from deep within and a sense of an unspoken overwhelming passion wash over me.
I felt like a cherry blossoming in the season.All full and ripe.
First it was slow.Soft and calm.But then there came a breeze.A slight one initially.By now the clouds had grown closer and had drawn the shades on the sun.It had grown dark and I could have sworn that I had seen stars.It felt like heaven nonetheless.
The rain came everyday.Bigger,sweeter and more breezier.It came and swept me off my feet.I allowed myself to sway in its melancholy rhythm.I initially used an umbrella to not fall prey to an illness.But the more I tried to cover myself up,interiorly I wanted to let go and I did in the end.I stopped using cover.Unafraid, I let it drench me.
I shivered.Got scared.Felt numb.Fell sick also but I loved every inch of rain that fell hitherto.I thanked the heavens for draining their love on me.It poured like this for a few weeks and a couple of months.I used to tell myself that someday the rain would stop and it would all be back to normal again.I tried to mentally prepare myself but my heart wouldn't allow it.
Every minute of every night turned into worrying doubts about whether I would be greeted by a chilled drizzle or a warm ray the next day.What I feared most happened.I had become dependant on it now.
I sensed it in the air before it came like a deafening calm just before the storm.I was dreading it since long and now it was here.Legally uninvited.It was hauntingly quiet when there was one last round of thunder and a heavy downpour before it all ended.This time the raindrops didn't feel like pearls.They more or less felt like pieces of shattered clear glass falling, cutting through the delicate parts of the skin that had welcomed it and so lovingly embraced it.
I cried in the rain.Openly and unashamed.I felt like a fool to have thought that it would last forever.My summer of rain. It had fooled me and I had allowed myself to be fooled.
I remember these lines from the series 'How I met your Mother' where Lily talks about a wandering urge to find what she really is meant to do in her life.The lines are as follows,
"There are certain things in life where you know its a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go," Yup, that was a mistake."So,really the mistake would be to not make that mistake because then you'll go about your life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not."
And here's the thing about mistakes.Sometimes even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.My memories of the Summer Rain are like little dewy pellets on everything that had been exposed to the rain, myself included.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Echoes of the Past

I had a dream

In which

I saw myself

Standing strong.

Probably it seemed

Like a breakthrough

From everything that

Was going wrong.

I mellowed in the darkness

Gripped by nothing

but grief.

I didn't want to think about it again

'Cause all what I recall

is deceit.

Part of me wanted

to run away.

Part of me

wanted to cry.

But a part of me

Just stood there

Swallowing in the lie.

I lay in bed that night

Silently and calmly.

I didn't really want to

focus on those thoughts,

Because I knew

they would harm me.

I closed my eyes slowly

Listening to the voices

echoing in my head.

This is what I hear everyday

They repeat what

they have already said.

All these voices are

the flashes from the past.

A reminder of the ugly things

That weren't meant to last.

I got up and

drifted over to the window.

Looked outside at the rainy clouds,

Hoping for a rainbow.

All these echoes,

In the end that's what

we really have.

All that's left and gone

The emptiness,

that's what it salves.

I so hope that

someone will remember me

after I am gone.

For what I was and

where I belonged.

These echoes are what

I leave behind.

For as long as they are alive

I won't really die.

Friday, January 04, 2008


Dont turn away.
Dont pass by.
I cant watch you leave.
Cry for me sky.

Its in too deep.
The scar has grown.
I can't believe,
All of a sudden I'm the unknown.

Now I'm alone in the dark.
My fingers bleed as I write.
I wish your eyes would find me,
For one last time on this cold night.

I can't handle the truth,
By being in love with you.
I didn't close my eyes,
Its you; who makes me do.

Look at me for a moment.
I'm gone.

She stood like a pale figure
Amidst the thick dense fog.
She was covered in white,
Her skin clinging
Underneath it all.
I watched her call out to me
I saw her reflection as a reverie.
I called out to her.
I reached out for her.
I almost touched her
But she fell out of my grasp
Like fine granules of sand.
I awoke to sounds of
My own heavy breathing
And realised it was just a dream.
I lay in bed thinking about her
Couldnt go back to sleep
My head, full of thoughts of her.
She felt so real
She looked so calm
Like a stretched ocean
After a thunder storm.
Sometimes i wish
She was never as adventurous as she was
Because it took her life
In the end after all.
At times i feel
I have no reason to live
When she was around
She would hate it if i cribbed.
I miss her even more
When I sense her around me
Its like a black hole
That I keep falling into deep.
The more I try to move on in life
The more I fall in love with her
harder than the last time
Giving me a reason to weep.
I miss her like
The desert misses the rain
My life's like a dry wound
Without the pain.
My love for her was
Deep as the deepest ocean
It was so much we had
Not just the emotion.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Yes the memories come to me every now and again.Thank God, they donot stay.


I looked up for the meaning of fear on Google and it gave me a wide variety of links to pick it up from.The first option was and so I copied it.It defines fear as 'a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.' A vague explanation I would say but a definition nonetheless.

If someone asked me what fear to me personally was I would say its just another emotion,not a strong one if one had to categorise it but an emotion in the well of feelings.The depth and the quality of one's fears can be measured by the number of times one has been emotionally disturbed.

Fear was inculcated in an individual in order to derive discipline.The roots of fear have fairly been grounded within us ,deeply in our subconscience,gripping us unawares in it's snake-like fangs.Fear is different for everyone.It can be the fear of losing someone you love;fear can be the loss of a friend in an accident;fear of getting caught when you are lying;fear of failing in an exam;fear of a Dementor's kiss when starts to suck the happy thoughts out of you or just fear of the unknown.

There are fears that arise from attachment such as the fear and anxiety of not finding or being separated from someone or something we feel we need for our security or happiness.The fear comes to the surface from our own uncontrolled minds or delusions and in particular, the fears arise from the mind of self-grasping ignorance which is the root of all other delusions and thus the equivalent source of all fears.