Tuesday, September 23, 2008

How to Fool an Auto guy For Dummies !

@ Lifestyle which is just 5 minutes from where I have to go to and i know autos charge a lot..hardly would be sum 15 rs..

Sana: Bhaiyya...chalte?
Autowala: Kahan jana hai?

Sana: Noor khan Bazar
Autowala: Aao betho

*I trick him into taking me to Noor khan which is a good 10 kms away.the reason I did that was because i know they charge more fer places nearby*

Sana: *fakes a phone call* arre what happened ya....injury ho gayi?? *pause*
shit!!! *long pause*
*Auto wala in the mean time is looking at my face through the rear view mirror*

Sana: acha tu ruk ghar pe..we will go to the hospital together..
bhaiyya idhar somajiguda pe chodna(;eave) hai...sorry bhaiya..

Autowala: acha thik hai


Saturday, September 20, 2008

Excuse me sir, I have a stolen pullover to report

Its been almost a week since I got back from Canada and boy it has been really hectic after that. I have been so busy with projects and assignments and notes and friends and dinners and welcome back parties that I haven't had time for myself. (Har Har) Ok Ok you got me. I was just bluffing. Nothing of the sort happened. No one cares that I am back. A couple of messages here and a couple of messages there asking me what all had I bought back with me for them [:|] Exactly that's all anyone cares about.
Anyway this post isn't about that. Its about my missing Pullover rather STOLEN-IN-FRONT-OF-EYESIGHT-PULLOVER ! No you morons !(It wasn't literally in front of my sight when it was stolen)
I had a stop over at Abu Dhabi for 2 hours before I boarded my plane to Bombay. Mind you I was traveling alone. Killing time wasn't easy. I spent as much time as possible in the loo sitting on the comod thinking of whether to pick up a carton of ciggis for friends who would be more than shameless to worship me if I did. But then again I don't smoke so I chucked the whole idea and I don't like making my friends happy. Then I thought of running up and down the escalator. All that sitting around for 14 and a half hours had killed my legs. I wanted to feel alive again.
I checked out duty free shops because deep down inside it makes me feel good to have that feeling that I could afford such lame luxuries. Shopping at duty free is a lame luxury according to me and I don't shop so don't come back at me. They rip you off duty and that to for free that is why its called DUTY FREE! (I owe my lame PJ cracking to Rituraj)
I roam around up and down for a while then I stand in line and wait for my turn at a free Internet access joint. Now I don't know if Abu Dhabi is a busy airport but it sure looked busy at this corner.
It felt as if I was standing at the beginning of a race line. The only difference was that there was no one to pull the trigger and say "On your marks,ready,set,go!"
All that one could see was the distance the mind calculated subconsciously in order to get to the prey on time. A hungry tiger waiting to pounce on the eyed gazelle.
The guy at the computer gets done with his work and I move in fast but then you know situations like these embarrass me. Its a petty thing to be fighting for so I stand back and let the other hyena feast on my gazelle. I wait a few more minutes before another computer stand becomes empty.
All I had in hand was my pullover(:(),the water bottle I purchased rather someone else paid 3 dhs for me because I was paying 100 riyals which is equal to a 1000 rupees unless market value has gone up. I was giving her 100 riyals just to pay for a three dhs bottle. Ha! I am a rich B****!
So anyway water bottle, PULLOVER and my hand bag which I put on the ground between my legs(I was standing.Stop getting weird thoughts). I put them all where I could see them.
I was gayly looking at the keyboard when someone else came tapping on my shoulder asking me if I was done.
"Does it look like I am done? Bloody Orkut doesn't work in this country. Works in a third world country like Africa. The net sucks here"
By the time I finish that sentence in my head and look back at my screen, from the corner of my eye I see a dash of blue fly by. I ignore. I get done with my mail checking and facebooking and chatting so I sign out and get ready to leave.
I keep staring at the space where I had kept my pullover last,more like first and last resting place. I look around madly. I ask the man behind me if he had seen my pullover and he says "Bulldozer" :| (yeah you moron and I wish you ran under one)
I ask the woman beside me. She keeps staring at her screen. No response. Dead. Still Standing.
I search for my it frantically and its no where to be seen. Now I can't even call for it now can I. I just keep going around in circles searching for it.
Finally I walk up to an Information Desk (yes sadly to report a missing jacket and not ask for directions)
Now I really don't know how exactly should I be pointing out to her as to what my problem really was. Anyway I say it out loud to her.
"Hi. I was standing at the internet junction checking my mails when someone stole my jacket.Can you help me?"
"JACKET!! You are here to report a jacket?" She gave me that look to ask me if I was one of those people fooling people on camera just for gags.
"where were you standing?"
"Right there" I point out to her. "Look I know its stupid but I don't know how to get it back but its my jacket and I want it back!"
"I am sorry miss but we have no one working in that department as of yet" :|
"Why would they take my jacket?"
"I think they liked it"


We should have Abu Dhabi police personnel in India. They solve cases in a jiffy !

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The L(a)ost Chronicle from Toronto...Part Three

There was supposed to be no third part to my journey but I am writing it on Public Demand. Don't blame me if its not as exciting or thrilling as the last two. Anyway here it goes..

CHAPTER THREE - I don't feel like an Idiot anymore :D

The region of Waterloo and Kitchener is small compared to Brampton with a population of only 126,742 (wikipedia claim) No this isn't the same Waterloo where Bonaparte's Italian ass was kicked. That Waterloo is way over in Belgium.
Whoever named the places on the world map sucked at Geography. There are two names for each place in the world. Canada has a London. UK has one too. There's Waterloo in Belgium and there's one in Canada too. Like a five year old kid would say, "Cheater Cock Canadians- CCC". (PJ !! Blame it on the kid)
Yeah so I get onto an overcrowded bus and pay my fare. I find myself a seat near a woman who is talking way loudly than required on her phone of course.

Loud Mouth: " Ok so is Mike getting the truck 'coz I need to transfer all my stuff to my new apartment."
Sore ear on the other end: " If Mike transfers all your stuff, what does Mike get?"
Loud Mouth: " I don't know. I just coloured my hair black but I am really blonde. Was that a trick question?"
Sore ear on the other end: "No bitch ! Go find yourself another mover!" *hangs up*
Loud Mouth: "Shit network ! I hate this phone."

She literally threw the phone back into her bag. No wonder people don't want to help her move. She releases herself from the recent minute's fury by removing her make up kit from the bag and starts jabbing it on her face. Make up is like a stress buster for us women not that I wear a lot or any make up. Serves as an ego booster. The poorest of poorest shall be transformed into Cinderellas with a little jab here and a little botox there. Calms you down somehow (this tip is strictly for women. Men restrain from carrying out any of the above suggested)
So anyway loud mouth is feeling good about herself again.She doesn't really care if she moves into her new apartment without any furniture. She starts texting now. Hail the Lord !
I can't take her presence anymore not because she is annoying but because she is pretty.
Tanned skin. Torn denim shorts. Dark jet black hair upto her shoulders. Long lashes. Practically hot ! Again I am a girl and I have no chance with her so I sulkily get up cursing my life and sit down next to a dorky guy. Its no fun at all.
By this time I think I had mastered that look on my face of "I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM GOING AND I AM TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.HELP!"
The guy moved in a bit to give me space and then he asks me as to where I was headed. I say UOW. He says I am going that side too. (Of course why would you be on this bus if you weren't)
I mean why would I care where you were going. He notices the look on my face and smiles. I smile back just to be polite.
I just want to get to Waterloo asap. I just want to stop traveling. I have had enough for a day.People keep pouring in and out of the bus every few minutes. Finally destination Uo Waterloo arrives.
Now the campus is big Huge HUMUNGOUS ! I spot Wilfred Laurier (pronounced as Lauri-eh) on the other side. That's where I am going to be hopefully next year (whomsoever reads this line shall be subjected to cross his fingers at least once for luck.Thank you).
UOW gives you the feeling of being in an intellectual space amidst the smarter section of a civilized cultured society.
I message my friend and he asks me to stay wherever I am and that he is coming to pick me up. He knows my sense of traveling and he doesn't want anymore of me getting lost. Now I really can't argue with that now can I so I wait.
The first thing I tell him is that I need a cigarette. He says that they don't get it in my size there(Roaring laughter). We grab breakfast. He has a meeting with his superior at one so he asks me to walk fast. I burn my mouth on the coffee that I have bought so I get a straw and I start sipping from it.
"Amod, have you seen anyone drinking coffee from a straw before?"
"There are all sorts of idiots in the world." :| (BURNNNNNNN !!!)
He shows me the campus on our little walk to the library where he drops me off. The library is pretty amazing and this is just one Departmental library. Department of Math [:|] So I sit and I am scared to explore.
There are people sitting right left centre mid-rif to me. All intelligent brainiards ! And I realise I am at the wrong place at possibly the right time so in order to gel in I do what I am really good at- Observe and then make fun of the people around ( In pure sadistic terms)
There are Chinkies, Indians and Arabs. Those three are the only races that I saw swarming in and out of the campus and its easy to spot them. The chinkies no matter if they are Japanese,Korean, Vietnamese or plain Mongolian, they are flat faced all of them (No offense. Just an observation) Second,we are a large species. Us Indians ! Brown, wearing loose clothes,bata chappals. Arabs, I seriously have no idea how they got there.
I sign in to my messengers,check my emails,buzz everyone online to keep me company for an hour and to look smart I start blogging. I do it for a half an hour when my friend comes back.
I walk out of the library and into DC. DC aka Davis Centre. The techies need to provide codecs to almost everything. Its like they can't understand long words. They need to shorten everything to provide substantial space in their already numerically clogged computerized brains.
I check out his workplace. Its nice ! Its not even a cubicle. Now before walking into it I didn't really know what to expect. I thought it would be a typical nerdy rat hole with deadline stamps stuck all over,research paper piles on the desks, uneaten sandwich wrappers lying around. No nothing of the sort. 6 cubicles stuffed into one. Interesting.
I like what they have done with their little domain.
Its 4:30 and I think I should leave so I gather up my things and walk out of the building. There is a greyhound bus right there. I walk up to the bus driver and ask him if the bus is going to Toronto.He answers in the affirmative.
I get on the bus. Quite pleased over the fact that I didn't have to walk all the way back to Charles Terminal. I feel relaxed,composed, a little tired of course but its all good. 

I can travel in a bus ! On my own !
Now if I had said that to my friends back in India they would just laugh their bloated asses off. But I did and I have an account of it.
The journey back to Brampton wasn't as exciting as it was when I was going there but it was more like a challenge as to what limit can I push my guts off to. 95 kms I think if you take it one way ;) :)
It was funny. I was giving directions to others while on my way back.
I maybe bad with directions or places or whatever it is you may tag me with but I am no Columbus.
I, for one didn't think that the Battle of Waterloo was fought here.
I wasn't looking for landmarks to prove the same.
I is genius ! :|

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Almost lost in Toronto - Part two

CHAPTER TWO - Directions ! Directions !

Yeah so I am back to being on my own and I am looking for another Everton to help me out. I head out of the subway station and I look around for a help desk to help me with my not so good sense of direction. I walk up to a man who is drinking coffee sitting at a table at a nearby coffee shop. He says that I need to get on to Bay Street but he doesn't know the way. He used to work around that place several years ago but he has no idea about it now. He directs me to the information desk which is located at the end of the square.
Now this place is the heart of Toronto.The place from where the beat starts to rise. Though some others would say the heart of Canada is Montreal. Anyway I haven't been there so I don't know.
The chic at the information desk gives me directions to Bay Street. I couldn't really understand what she said. I think she was still sleepy. So i walk to the intersection and ask an Indian man how to get on to Bay Street. He gives it to me properly :)
Bay Street is like three blocks ahead and at a 5 mins walking distance and when I get there I walk to the parking lot and ask two black men where to get my Grey Hound ticket from and they reply in the most obvious of statements.
"Why from the greyhound station right across the street." Of-course. [:|] Smart-mouths !
I walk in to the station and to another Information desk.Walking to information desk is such an easy task now.Anyway I tell my story to a woman behind the counter and she says that I need to pick up my ticket from someone in a yellow vest.I look for one but I can't really seem to differentiate between people wearing yellow jackets and yellow vests.I spot someone in a yellow jacket but he is standing in line. He is a passenger.I go back inside and I ask an Italian woman. She has no clue. I ask an Asian. She doesn't know what I am talking about.
Finally I see this gay man wearing a yellow vest walking towards the exit and I get hold of him and ask him as to where I can pick my ticket from. He asks me for details. I tell him that I had deliberately missed the bus at 8:30 and now wanted to get my ticket re-issued. He tells me that I need to pay 15$ for my imbecile sense of timing and stupidity. As if I am left with a choice. I pay up. He disappears for a good 15 minutes. Another lady gets me my ticket and asks me to qew up in line at stop 12. I walk over and stand in line like everybody else.
There is an Asian couple standing ahead in line and they are "coochie-cooing". Yes I am a very frustrated soul and I don't like it when I watch people making out in public. It just makes me sad because I don't get as much action as they do. Anyway...
Yeah so I am on the right bus finally but I am still not sure because it says that the bus' last stop is Stratford and not Charles terminal and that's where I am supposed to get off. Anyway I hop onto the bus and wait patiently for it to fill in. That's when I realize that in my runaway madness I have forgotten to eat breakfast. Not that I care much but I haven't had any food or drink for the past 4 hours and I am hungry like crazy ! So to make myself feel better I think about a nice hot juicy steak with mashed potatoes and a nice chilled bottle of coke (stomach starts making weird gurgling noises. Wrong thought. I shut up.)
A pretty blonde chic comes and sits right next to me. I ask her as to where she is getting off and she says Cambridge which is quite far from Waterloo. So I tell her that I need to get down at Waterloo and she suggests that I take a cab there. Har Har!
True to her hair colour. Waterloo is a good 30 kms from Cambridge as in the University of Waterloo and she suggests that I take a cab there !
"It will only be somewhat around 20$."
My ass it will be 20 bucks. She has no idea whatsoever so I politely smile and say thanks anyway and chug my earphones in. She falls asleep too.
I notice she is pretty. Has nice hair.A not so toned tummy but still long legs. Then I realize I am a girl.
I admire Toronto's towering cityscape.There is a Blue Jays game on Saturday, the sign blinks on and off at the Roger's Stadium.
Toronto has a charm. It has the charm of making you feel comfortable. Even though you are lost and you know it, it still is fun. Exciting. Thrilling. Scary. Lets sum them up and term it the ETS factor.
So anyway I fall asleep too for a few minutes only worried that I might not get down at the right station. Maybe I am just plain excited because I am on my own. I don't have to answer to anyone as to where I am or where I am really going even though it was for a few hours. Freedom to not be questioned felt nice all over again. I am used to it now and I get easily annoyed when I am questioned about my whereabouts.
Anyway the chic gets down at Cambridge and wishes me all the best. How sweet ! No..really. I am not being sarcastic.
I don't even ask the driver anymore because I am ashamed and embarrassed that I can't do such a simple task of going from A to B. So I just shrivel back into my seat and look ahead.We arrive at Waterloo a few minutes later and he drops a few more passengers at Sports World. Now Waterloo is a huge place. Waterloo-Kitchener together make up one region so you would obviously be expecting a lot of small villages in between.
Now I am a city-zen of a proper city. I get into an auto and I ask him to take me wherever I have to go to.Its that simple or maybe I am just used to that kind of traveling.
Finally, the bus stops at Charles Terminal at Kitchener and I heave a huge sigh of relief.Now one last task of finding a bus to UOW. I need to use the bathroom first. Things have been messier in my stomach as compared to things in my head. I quickly freshen up and follow the signs.The bus that goes to University of Waterloo arrives a few minutes later. I get on. Pay my fare.Find myself a seat and wait anxiously to arrive at my destination.
After 4 and a half hours of constant traveling,changing of buses,subways and stations, I am tired and I am hungry and I am happy. I quietly silently give myself the award for my gutsy-ness. Now most people would think of this as a simple everyday task. It isn't really. To be out in the open in a completely new and different place,its not difficult but its not easy either.
I had fun and I loved the experience. I think I will do it again.This time please God, let it be overseas ;) :D

Monday, September 01, 2008

"Almost lost in Toronto" - Coming to a broadway near you

Smitten by a Beetle in Red would have been my last post if I hadn't made it safely to Waterloo. Yeah it was an adventurous ride alright and the thing about adventurous rides is that they scare you,make you nervous and just scare you a bit more. No matter how scared I am, no matter how lost I would be, I would never admit it to you that I was. That's a bloated ego. Period.


Honestly it felt like I was running away from home. I had my backpack,cash,credit card and my passport and of course an extra tee just in case. I had almost everything basic that one would require to elope except the one tee which isn't enough if you are going away for long.
The fun begins at 6:15 when my alarm doesn't really go off. Now it was my mum's order that I tag my brother along wherever I go.
"It's a new city. You might get raped." (Canada is full of hot chics and its the summer so you know what to expect)
So yeah I wake up at 6:15 am, get ready and sneak out of the house at 7 (I "tried" waking my brother up but the best part about him is that even if there was a mob of mad men knocking at his door plotting to kill him, he would still be sleeping soundly.)
I wait for the bus patiently impatient. I just want to be at the bus station on time. Weird math time calculations happen in my tiny head and I am doing it all wrong. Heck who cares ! I still have one and a half hour to reach Toronto. I know I will make it.
See that's the thing with being over smart. You keep re-assuring yourself that you can do it all. *bangs head*
I get to Bramalea City Centre(10 mins drive from my place by car. 20 minutes by bus) finally at 7:30 am and I get myself a bus ticket. Now the funny part is I don't really know which terminal to board it from. The black blonde chic who everyone thinks is a barbie has no idea. So I walk out and I meet my first God sent male angel in a black jacket.
Black jacket,collar up because it's drizzling (damn classy) an unlit cigarette pressed between his lips, white ear plugs drumming music to his ear drums and how can I forget the hat. I am guessing he was wearing a Dobbs Rosebud Milan Straw Fedora (it looks like it from the picture on google search) It was still dark and I couldn't really make out but yeah he was wearing a classy hat(Ok..enough with the hat).
So I walk up to him even though he looked a little scary because he was black(?) (shoot me for my racism and un-shoot me because I still approached him)

Me: hey!
Hat dude: Hey!
Me: Do you know where I could board the GO bus from? I need to get to Toronto.
Hat dude: Umm..I am not so sure. There are GO buses on that side but then I don't know. You will have to wait for another half an hour or so I think.
Me: Oh ! But I have to get to Toronto because I have a bus from there at 8:30.
Hat dude: *laughs at my stupidity* There is no way you can reach Toronto in an hour because you will have to change stations and buses.
Me: Hmm..there are no cabs around here either. Otherwise I would have just hopped on to one and left. *smiles*
Hat dude: *chuckles* You want to take a cab?! A cab to downtown Toronto?! It's gonna be shit expensive (meantime I am falling in love with his accent and his voice)
Me: Like how much?
Hat dude: 70$
Me: Oh shit !
Hat dude: Your best bet is to hop on to this bus (bus arrives. It says Avondale) It will drop you off at the GO station. I am on my way to Toronto as well.I take the GO train there.
Me:*has no idea what the difference between a GO train or a subway is* Ahan *nods blankly*

I get on to the bus as advised. We do small talk. He tells me he has just moved to Canada a month ago from London (Class-ier!) and he is living in Brampton with his parents because his condo in Toronto is getting furnished. Too much information I think when its not really required.
So I think to myself that now is a safe time to let him know that I am new to the city too. He can't take advantage of me(advantage in the sense- give you wrong directions, has power over you..something based on those lines. Just try and jam it in)
So we are just chit chatting randomly and we get to the train station. He directs me to the information desk and I as predictable and as blind as ever walk to where he says he is going to catch his train from after he is done smoking his morning daily.
I walk to the tracks and back again to the floor where the Information desk is.There is a long queue and I hate standing in lines. Its a mob of mixed species of all kinds here. Elderly,teens,whites,blacks,browns and a separate class of morons like me. I await my turn and haha! this is funny. I am 5 ft n 2 inches and the microphone encrusted in the glass slab was at a height of 5 ft 6. I approach the mic and the guy behind it smiles,bends and leans in to hear me. I tell him of my situation and he looks at me with hopeless eyes and says to me that there is no way that I could make it to Toronto in 25 minutes because the train arrives at 8:08 and that it reaches Toronto Union Station at 8:35. Sad luck ! I thank him and I leave.Now my mind is buzzing with sad-ass ideas. I need to get to Toronto first and that's when I will decide what to do. The quest begins for that familiar face again. I look around a bit and I can't spot him. Maybe he is hiding from me. Maybe he doesn't want to help me out because I am so... so... ummm..
He said something about being at terminal 2 and I am standing at terminal 4. So I walk up to terminal 2 and that's where I spot him "hiding" behind a tall Punjabi maybe Giant Singh is his name. I go up to him and say hey again and he says hey back(read oh bah.she is back again.The annoying brown Indian) He asks me what has happened not because he is concerned for my well being but because he doesn't want to be the one helping me out of the mess that I always get myself into. Ok I am just kidding. The guy was a sweetheart ! Read on now.
Again I take his advice and get on to the train with him which is heading to Union Station in Toronto. The train is full as usual.I grab myself a seat somewhere close to him but not to close because I don't want him thinking that I was completely depending on him. We reach Union Station at 8:35 and the feeling that I can still catch the bus at 8:30 creeps in again. You may ask, how can one possibly catch an 8:30 bus at 8:35. Indian positivity ! :)
So anyway Hat Dude guides me to a lady sitting at an information desk and I ask her how to get to the Greyhound station. She says that I would need to take the subway from here to Dundas which is two stations away.
We wait for the metro.
Metro arrives.
We get on.
That's when he tells me his name. His name is Everton and that he runs a media company in Toronto ! Gackkh ! couldn't he have told me that earlier. I would have bragged on about my side too. Anyway, my journey with Everton ends at Union station.I thank him for all the help and get off.
Alone. Lost. Confused